Max Barth

Don’t Kill Yourself – 7 Great Things to Wait For

So we are twelve days into the decade. Some of you may already be thinking “screw this”. The economy is in the tank, Tiger Woods is human, the Pax Americana is no more …what is this, opposite land?

If you aren’t as excited about the chance to eventually talk about the “roaring-robot twenties” as I am, here are a few additional reasons to put the noose back in your sad little closet:

An Arrested Development Movie

Long rumored, oft denied – the feature film adaptation of the best thing ever cancelled [save the 2000 election recount] is now officially in the works. If you haven’t seen the show, watch it… including the truncated third season where the meta-genius of creator Mitch Hurwitz reaches its peak. Unfortunately “live” episodes, celebrity guests and narrator Ron Howard’s constant “please tell your friends about this show”’s were not enough to keep it on the air.

If you can keep it together for a year or so, you’ll be able to sit in a theater and hear a theme song played on a ukelele, followed by (probably) understated jibes about everything that has happened in the past few years. Obama, Michael Jackson…and those are just the ones grouped by race!

The Kids From “John and Kate” Grow Into Awful, Awful People

I don’t watch the show, but I did some research. The “twins” (who…O.M.G…share my birthday!) will be sixteen in 2016. Teenage angst + money + younger sextuplets = eight mugshots and a lot of burning cars. Assuming one or two or six of them has kids at the age of 15, we’re talking exponential growth. Like a virus. I don’t like this show.

Jack White’s Musical Exploits

He’s formed three bands – The White Stripes, The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather – in thirteen years. That means by 2036 he’ll be in nine bands. Not bad for a 60 year old.

Austin Powers 4*

This is a shot in the dark, but here’s hoping the usually funny Mike Meyers will be able to overcome whatever bout of mental illness caused him to write, star in and pretend to like The Love Guru. Apparently a script is being written, focusing on the Dr.Evil/Lorne Michaels character. With some careful casting a la Michael Caine in Goldmember, the fourth installment in the franchise might actually be good.

Global Warming Business Opportunities

Snorkels, flippers, dive gear, raft construction, post-apocolyptic warlord/feudal peasant…you’ve got options. Also, how totally ironic will it be when you whip out your Inconvenient Truth DVD over the campfire shortly before your road-weary gang/family/caravan/harem is overrun by cannibals?

Andy Kaufman Comes Back

Here’s the story: it’s 2030, and a sentient Compaq Presario 9000 claims to have used lasers to locate one Marge F. Pinklewhistle, an old Puerto Rican woman who is quickly revealed to be none other than entertainer Andy Kaufman. Once the lasers cut off his intricate disguise-bioflesh, he will return to performing in robobrothels throughout the Empire. And he’ll get laughs.

Society (the Bible Belt) Finally Comes Around

Gay marriage, legalized marijuana. Hopefully legalized gay marijuana, too.

*If this is your only reason to stay alive…well, maybe reconsider. I wouldn’t want anyone to wait around three years for Master of Disguise 2.